i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize