I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
