Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
