dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
So. Much. Porn.
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