Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
