Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
