y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
