that's an acceptable place to lick
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
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You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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