last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
