Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
