She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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