I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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