I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
