I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
