I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
