i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he was CRYING into my vagina
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
