Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
