Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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