There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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