i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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