hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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