oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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