How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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