I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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