As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
