I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
