Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize