K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
