U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
