I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
