Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I need to calm my uterus...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
