Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
