at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
