Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
