She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
