Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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