I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
