I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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