i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
