He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
