Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
