i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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