i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
