I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
