I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
