omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
