Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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