Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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