she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
