last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
