Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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