our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
