First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
