i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
