hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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