can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
