highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
