I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
