She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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