There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
