The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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